We made it through Christmas and New Year, and escaped only slightly scathed out of the other side and into 2018.
Christmas cards arrived and the sight of Lennon’s name missing from them all stung, tears pricked my eyes with the opening of each one.
You may be surprised when I tell you that only three people thought to mention that they knew Christmas would be hard for us this year and they would be thinking of us.
The rest all wished us ‘Happy Christmas’ and a prosperous ‘New Year’ – how anyone could possibly think that our Christmas would be happy and our New Year prosperous is completely beyond me!
Do you think if your child had died five months previous you would have a ‘Happy Christmas’?!
After Lennon’s Birthday and the deep sadness I felt in the festive period, Christmas Day was surprisingly going ok. I had made it out of bed in the morning and was dragged downstairs by two very excited girls desperate to see the delights that Santa had left behind during the night. Their excitement and enthusiasm carried me through the day, and I felt pleasantly surprised that Christmas Day wasn’t half as bad as I was expecting it to be.
All Florence wanted for Christmas was Lennon, and a pink car that she could drive.
Until we sat down to eat Christmas Dinner with Ian’s parents and his uncle. The space where Lennon’s wheelchair sat in the dining room suddenly seemed so vast and empty. I felt sad, and that was the start of the downward spiral.
Someone let it slip that Ian had booked a trip to Paris over Mother’s Day with his mates. He intentionally hadn’t consulted with me before he went ahead and paid for it and everyone knew except me. He had been hiding it from me with no intention.
Ian wouldn’t be home on Mother’s Day. I will have to get through my first Mothers Day without my son alone.
I couldn’t believe he didn’t even pay me so much as a fleeting thought when he booked it.
I was already struggling with my emotions and the pain of dealing with the first Christmas without my eldest child. This revelation tipped me over the edge – like rubbing salt in a cut.
As soon as we arrived home I made my way straight to bed and didn’t surface until late morning on Boxing Day. I forced myself to get up and dressed for my girls.
Ian and I had a blazing argument.
He walked out.
He came home.
We drove to my mum’s separately.
We ate dinner, opened presents, and I went home.
I took the Christmas tree down and packed away our first Christmas without Lennon. I wanted Christmas over and done with. I didn’t want any more Christmas without Lennon.
Our Christmas tree, full of memories.
Ian and I made up. Life’s too short to waste time arguing.
The day after Boxing Day we had tickets for Disney on Ice at The O2 – Lennon’s Christmas present that I had booked in the weeks before he died. We went every Christmas. Lennon wasn’t interested in presents so we spent money on days out instead – Lennon loved experiences and trips out and Disney on Ice was one of his favourites.
We travelled down on the tube and the atmosphere wasn’t great. The magnitude of the day ahead weighing heavily on us all.
The girls thoroughly enjoyed it and we all spent most of the performance pointing out the little things Lennon would of loved and talking about how much we missed him not sitting amongst us, shouting and arm flapping.
At the end of the performance, snow floated down and covered us, butterflies flew above the ice and we knew Lennon was right there with us.
The days before New Year were mainly long and dull. Ian went back to work and I didn’t have the energy or the enthusiasm to take the girls anywhere. I felt a heavy fog take over me with a New Year imminent.
New Year has been a sticking point with me since Lennon was born – celebrating a New Year with a life- limited child, to me felt completely out of the question. The approaching year could be Lennon’s last – why on earth would we want to celebrate that?!
This time the New Year brought a new torment with it.
2017 knew Lennon.
Lennon knew 2017.
Lennon was alive in 2017.
2018 would not know Lennon.
Lennon would not know 2018.
In 2018, Lennon died last year.
That hurt me.
After spending days moping around not getting dressed and crying, by New Years Eve I had realised that I really did need to get out and make some attempt to save my drowning self.
I even put some make up on.
We took the girls for dinner at ASK and then went to the local pub for a few drinks with friends.
We had the girls with us, so no plans to stay out and see the year change – I knew that would be a step too far for me. So we left the pub at 22:30 with Florence and ventured home. Isla wanted to stay with her friends, so we left her behind.
On 1 January 2018 I woke up strangely relieved. Relieved that it was all over. But still sad. Sad that Lennon died last year. Sad as the hard, cold realisation that time moves on hit me yet again.
I don’t want Lennon to be left behind in 2017.
Forever in 2017, Forever 10.