I was asked recently who exactly I was finding answers about Tilly for. The answer to that is pretty complicated and I don't always know.
Tilly doesn't know she's different after all. It is notoriously difficult to get the support and services for an undiagnosed child. You ream off lists of symptoms and pray you'll say the right one to tick the box for what you need. It took close to two years to get Tilly the basic level of physio, speech therapy and occupational she is entitled to.
'I don't know' is not the right answer when you're asked what is wrong with your child.
So firstly but possibly not primarily, I look for the answer to benefit Tilly.
I want her to have the right input and level and care that she needs for the rest of her life. I will never let them do anything invasive or unnecessary. She is a person first and foremost, not a research subject.
Secondly, I want to know for my own needs.
I need to know for my own sanity. I need to know if it was my genes and my body that failed her. You'd think it didn't matter, it's not as if I can control what my genes do. But it does matter.
I am only 27 but I cannot and will not have more children because I don't know if I will have another disabled child and I don't know how severely this will affect my child over the course of time. We still don't know if Tilly's condition is degenerative or not. With an answer, I can undergo genetic counselling or prepare myself if I ever do want to have another child.
I am too young to accept that I will not have more children. But I can't without an answer.
Thirdly, I am a sister and a mother to another child.
I search for an answer for my brother and my son. I want them and their future partners to be able to have children without worrying that they too could have a disabled child. Tilly is wonderful but I would not wish her difficulties on another child, epilepsy is a cruel condition and being unable to speak is very difficult. I owe it to my brother and my son to find all the answers that I can. Tilly's DNA is with Great Ormond street now to determine if her epilepsy is genetic. I want them to be able to educate themselves and access all the support available to them when they are ready to have children.
Lastly I do it for families just like mine. The more DNA being tested, the more answers will come. Families like mine will not have to live in limbo forever.
That said. I think a lot about what I'll do if an answer never comes and that's where Lady Gaga comes in:
'If I can't find the cure, I'll I'll fix you with my love.'
I will continue to campaign and fight and advocate for my child and others like her to have everything they need. I will be her voice. I will make sure she has the very best and reaches her full potential. I will do this until the day I die. I'll no doubt use my last breath to mutter something about equal rights
I'll do all of that because I love her. And that counts for more than anything else.